Boundaries can be defined as invisible lines that play an important role in our lives, helping us manage our lives and take responsibility for our emotions, actions and attitudes.
Boundaries are grounded in essential aspects of our lives, such as freedom, love, a sense of responsibility and self-control. Boundaries are as important for children as they are for adults, and they offer children positive benefits. These benefits include understanding what they can do, creating a safe space, adapting to their surroundings, and learning about their own rights and freedoms and those of others. When boundaries are clear, children also develop a healthy sense of identity and the ability to recognise genuine love that grows from freedom. For these qualities to develop, children need to internalise boundaries through their relationships with others and their parents’ guidance, making them part of who they are.
It should also be remembered that boundaries need to be continually adjusted and set according to children’s age and development. For example, children aged 1–3 cannot fully understand the reasoning behind boundaries, but this should not be taken to mean that no boundaries should be set for this age group; on the contrary, parents should work on setting simple rules that children can follow to protect them from danger and help them develop the ability to respect boundaries later on.
Children aged 3–5 have a better understanding of why they need to take responsibility and what that responsibility involves. They are more eager to talk with you about these topics. When teaching boundaries to children in this age group, doing household chores together and teaching them to make polite requests (both when expressing their opinions and when interacting with friends) are important, and one way to teach these skills may be through play, toys and limits related to them.
There are some basic points parents should keep in mind when setting boundaries. These are;
- As children grow, the freedoms and responsibilities they are given should change and develop within those boundaries. At this stage, appropriate parental guidance is very important for the child. Children are not born knowing boundaries. For them to develop healthily and become more independent, parents need to set clear, appropriate boundaries and teach them to their children. Boundaries cannot be taught simply by talking to a child. Children learn through concrete actions. It is therefore important to remember that we establish our rules through our behaviour. Being clear in both words and actions and not ignoring the child’s behaviour are very important. In an unacceptable situation that calls for a definite no, we must make sure our message is clear, explicit and firm.
- When setting boundaries, it is very important for the child that we do not go too far. Setting more limits than necessary can bring up negative emotions in children. For this reason, giving children responsibilities and freedom in situations where you do not feel a firm no is necessary can encourage their participation in the cooperative process we build with them when setting boundaries. For example, if you have a rule that your child goes to bed at the same time every day, they can choose the book you will read before they fall asleep.
- It is important not to use rewards when setting boundaries. (For example, if you do not hit your friends at school, I will take you to the park.) Although rewards may initially seem effective in setting boundaries, they do not provide a long-term solution.
- It is very important to avoid being punitive (raising your voice, making threats, etc. ) when setting boundaries for children. This approach hurts children’s feelings, causes them to react negatively and damages the cooperative process we have been trying to build from the start. For example, your child becomes angry about a boundary you have set. In this situation, if you also become angry, sulk or refuse to speak to your child, or compare them with children who do not behave this way, this can damage your child’s relationship with you, which is based on trust and cooperation. In such a situation, you should respond to the child’s anger with empathy, help them express their anger in words (you seem angry right now, I think you are angry with me, I want to know how you feel, but could you tell me in words instead of showing me through your actions? etc.) and maintain the boundaries while remaining gentle, loving and firm.
- Likewise, setting very loose boundaries, trying to get a child to do things by pleading, going to excessive lengths to persuade them, or giving up and letting them have what they want will make it impossible to establish boundaries and allow the child to take control. These broad or loose boundaries, with very little parental control, can hinder learning and taking responsibility, as well as lead children to repeatedly test unwanted behaviours. We should remember that children will continually want to push boundaries to understand what we expect of them, see how far they can go and test how firm we are.
- Another point to consider when setting boundaries is how consistently we maintain them. Inconsistent boundaries involve parents exercising control differently depending on the situation, without a consistent boundary for the same circumstances, leaving children uncertain about the extent of their freedom. Again, they can hinder learning and taking responsibility and can also lead to negative reactions in children. To ensure consistency in our boundaries, we must first make sure that the boundary we have set is appropriate and suitable for the child. In addition, everyone around the child, especially their parents, should agree on the boundary, cooperate and act accordingly.
- The most appropriate boundaries we can set for children are balanced boundaries. Balanced boundaries are communicated through clear, firm and calm speech and consistent behaviour, and when the child is unwilling to accept the message, the response is appropriate to the situation and the child’s age. With balanced boundaries, freedom, responsibility and control are in balance. This gives the child the freedom they need to learn new things, helps them understand how far they can go and motivates them to cooperate. An example is a situation in which siblings cannot share a toy. The parent can first use a clear tone of voice to tell the children to calm down and that they can talk afterwards. The children can then be asked to choose between taking turns with the toy or not playing with it at all. If the children choose to take turns, it is very important to make sure they are both allowed equal time to play.
- Teaching your children words for setting boundaries is important so that they can express themselves and set their own boundaries when something happens that they do not want. Children should learn to say no and I do not want to.
- The boundaries you set for children may upset them, and in such situations a child may express their reaction by hitting you or crying. In these situations, saying “I know you are angry with me, but I do not want you to hit me” or “I know why you are crying right now, but even if you keep crying, I cannot let you do that; if you want to cry, you can, and I am here with you” can be examples of setting boundaries safely. Similarly, your child may cry or hit you when they do not want to come home from the park. To prevent these reactions, it is important to give the child time to get used to the idea as the time to go home approaches. For example, offering your child a choice by saying we need to go home in 10 minutes, would you like to go on the swings or down the slide before we leave, is an example of setting a boundary safely and cooperatively.
- Praising your children’s positive behaviour in moderation (for example, thank you for listening to me) can motivate them to respect boundaries and help you with the process of setting them.
Finally, we should remember that boundaries are values that mothers and fathers establish through loving and compassionate interactions with their children, and that boundaries exist to give children freedom, help them become responsible individuals and prepare them well for the future.
Clinical Psychologist Yağmur Yarlılar
**REFERENCES:
**– Mackenzie, R.J. Setting Limits with Your Child
– Emine Ergün – Children Love Boundaries
– Dr. Henry Cloud/Dr. John Townsend – Boundaries with Kids
