What is behind all this talk of “trust”, “secure attachment” and “a trusting relationship” that we keep emphasizing, time and again? Why is it so important?
My dear friends, the first bond you form very early in life with the parents who care for you, or those who take their place, becomes a part of you, like a limb, for the rest of your life.
As you grow older, your outlook on the world and your approach to romantic relationships (both emotionally and in terms of the boundaries you set around physical contact) are closely related to the nature of the bond you formed very early in life.
A secure attachment relationship is the bond you form with a caregiver who has shared skin-to-skin and eye contact with you, attended to your emotional needs as carefully as your physical needs, and both protected you and given you the autonomy to grow and fulfil your potential.
Secure attachment is a relationship of mutual interaction with a caregiver who is consistent and firm, flexible when needed, nonjudgmental, empathetic towards your feelings and supportive of your expressing them.
So, if I grew up in a home without this kind of secure attachment model, will the consequences affect me for the rest of my life? Is there no way to make up for it?
A growing body of evidence shows that people can learn this attachment style by ‘experiencing’ the formation of a trusting relationship in adult romantic relationships, close friendships and a consistent psychotherapy process that they put effort into.
Yes, you cannot change your past. But it is always possible to learn, develop and change. Within the limits of our nature and circumstances, and with time, it is possible to make up for what was missing.
