Should you bring work home? Should a situation at work that stresses one partner during the day really be left ‘at the door’ when they come home in the evening?
Sometimes partners even describe this with pride:
‘My spouse doesn’t bring work problems home’
How does leaving the day’s stressors from outside the relationship at the door (or thinking you can) affect the relationship?
Research suggests that partners in strong relationships regularly talk to help reduce each other’s stress about problems outside the relationship.
In this article, I will explain how to have a ‘stress-reducing conversation’ with your partner.
When you manage to make this a routine at the end of each day, you will minimise the negative impact of external problems on your relationship and discover that you feel more satisfied with your relationship.
How do you have a stress-reducing conversation?
Let’s explain this with an example:
Suppose your partner is facing a stressor such as a job change or a promotion. You will each take turns speaking and listening.
The first speaker will describe the situation causing them stress to their partner in detail.
The golden rule for the listener is: ‘Unless your partner asks for help, do not try to solve their problem or offer suggestions or ideas for solutions.’
Just listen and let your partner feel that you are listening with empathy.
The greatest support you can give your partner is to help them feel ‘understood’.
How do I listen with empathy?
Make eye contact with your partner. Ask questions to understand the situation better. Make sure your questions are not loaded, judgemental or critical, and that you are asking only to understand more fully.
Try to use empathetic statements that show you understand, such as ‘that really is an awful situation, I would be very upset too, I would feel the same way you do’.
Another golden rule: Never take the other person’s side!
Instead of siding with the enemy, let your partner know that you are on their side and that you are a ‘team’ facing the external stressor together.
Touch your partner, hug them, and show care and affection. Ask how the situation made them feel and validate their feelings.
* Even if your partner is in the wrong in this situation, validating their feelings in that moment means acknowledging and understanding how they feel.
** When your partner shares a difficult experience with you, do not look at your smartphone or the TV while saying ‘I’m listening’. Doing so means ignoring them.
If your partner still feels misunderstood, ask more detailed questions;
Example questions:
- What does this situation mean to you?
- What bothers you most about this?
- What is the worst that could happen to us because of this?
- Is there anything I can do to support you?
If they say yes, do not jump in with a suggestion!
First ask for their ideas: “Do you have any thoughts or suggestions about what I could do to help you?”
** Do not offer your ideas until they ask for your thoughts or suggestions for a solution!
Remember, everyone needs to feel understood first. Try to understand your partner’s feelings, reactions and what this situation means to them. Make sure you do not take a critical, defensive or blaming attitude as you do this.
Setting aside 20 minutes each day for a stress-reducing conversation nurtures your relationship. It significantly reduces the negative effects of external stressors on your relationship and increases your relationship satisfaction. It helps you strengthen your friendship skills with your partner.
