As with substance withdrawal, when the partner a person is dependent on is absent or separation becomes a possibility, they experience pain, fear, panic, a willingness to compromise unconditionally and an inability to end the relationship. This state is likened to the withdrawal seen in heroin addiction. Rather than ordinary sadness or a grieving process, obsessive, painful and self-destructive behaviours are observed, more like heroin withdrawal. The person experiences similar feelings not only during separation but also when a problem arises in the relationship.
Withdrawal in love addiction
During withdrawal, a person with love addiction may experience intense emotional distress involving anger, pain, an inability to feel pleasure, physical symptoms and even suicidal thoughts. Some studies have reported that people with love addiction are more often women, have severe depressive symptoms with atypical features, and experience greater hopelessness and suicidal tendencies.
When a person feels that they are not receiving the attention they want from the object of their love and dependence, they experience symptoms such as low self-esteem, suicidal thoughts, anger, insomnia, muscle pain, nausea and palpitations, and they ‘need’ that partner to feel ‘normal’ and to relieve these withdrawal symptoms.
A person with love addiction feels incomplete, unfulfilled, insecure, adrift, hopeless and worthless when alone. Their obsessive preoccupation with their relationships can reach the point of being out of control. These people also need the person they depend on to cope with emotional stressors in their own lives. Much as in alcohol and substance addiction, they need their partner to ease their pain, and when they feel they have reached that partner, they experience pleasure, satisfaction and peace.
What kind of partners do people with love addiction choose to marry?
They may marry someone who is more domineering and possessive towards them, or even someone who does not fit their values or expectations of a relationship at all, rather than be alone. Even when these people recognise that they are in the wrong relationship, they find it difficult to end it without starting another relationship. One of the most important points is that they cannot end a relationship that causes them significant social, family and academic harm because, for them, ending it also means ceasing to exist themselves.
Why does a person develop love addiction?
When examining how romantic relationships develop, we must consider the bonds formed with parents at an early age. A wide range of theories have attempted to shed light on this.
According to research and theories in this field, the relationship formed in early childhood between a child and their mother (or another primary caregiver) plays a central role in determining their choice of romantic partner and the relationship they form with that partner later in life.
It has been suggested that an addictive love relationship may stem from a search to satisfy unmet childhood needs. Complete dependence on the mother in every respect during infancy and the first bond formed with her influence the bonds a person will form throughout their life.
The state of complete dependence in early infancy evolves, towards the age of 2, into a desire for independence and exploration, alongside a continuing need to feel safe and to know that the mother is there and available.
This process of separation needs appropriate guidance and support because it lays the first foundations for the child to become an independent individual. A lack of sufficient attention and support during this process leaves the person feeling unsafe and lacking in love. This may be a predisposing factor for addiction problems in the future. In this situation, the individual tries in adulthood to meet their unmet childhood needs through another person who takes the place of their parents. In an addictive love relationship, these individuals re-experience their unmet longing for attachment and the feelings associated with their mother's absence within the romantic relationship. Just as in infancy, when their parents moved away or were briefly absent, the thought ‘they have gone and will never come back’ resurfaces in adulthood in relation to the romantic partner they depend on, and they experience an intense fear of separation and abandonment.
Another characteristic of people in dependent relationships may be that they grew up without enough love or appreciation from their families and are starved of affection. In striving to receive the love, attention and security they crave, they may develop a dependence on their partner to avoid losing them. Even if the relationship is unsuitable or harmful to them, these individuals have great difficulty leaving because of the feelings and needs they long to have fulfilled.
Can a person with love addiction be treated?
CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) is thought to be potentially effective in helping these individuals address the automatic thoughts and cognitive distortions frequently seen in love addiction. Psychodynamic psychotherapy is also thought to be potentially effective, given the relationship between this addiction and attachment patterns in early childhood.
Psychodrama, schema therapy, family therapy and the twelve-step programmes used in self-help groups are also thought to be potentially helpful.
Whatever the method, it is thought to be helpful to improve the person's low self-esteem, develop self-awareness and a positive self-image, build skills in identifying, accepting and expressing emotions, and work on interpersonal communication skills.
