“Building a strong relationship requires couples to develop a healthy bond of friendship and love.”
Over the years, many studies have been conducted to better understand relationships, manage conflict more effectively and understand what brings troubled relationships to an end.
Although traditional approaches have included a wide range of suggested solutions, from fighting and smashing things as ways of releasing anger to “forget the past and look to the future” and “ways to change your partner”, these have been found neither to strengthen relationships nor to help manage conflict.
If it were possible to argue without either person losing, what do you think that would look like?
Around 50 years of scientific research and observation by the world-renowned couples therapist John Gottman have yielded valuable findings that amount to a formula for happy relationships.
These studies closely examined both happy and troubled relationships to explore what made them different. Based on this research, we now see that couples who maintain strong relationships keep their friendship skills and the romance between them strong. Happy couples have better conflict management skills and can create shared meaning in their relationships.
In happy relationships, couples are able to avoid criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling, behaviours shown to send relationships downhill. Although conflict may bring up negative emotions, these do not dominate; couples are able to maintain positive emotions.
But how possible is it for people who live in the same home, see each other as enemies or players on opposing teams, and have grown apart over time to maintain positive emotions during an argument? Of course, couples cannot be expected to maintain a positive view of each other in a relationship full of defensiveness, cutting remarks, vigilance and disappointment.
At this stage, we couples therapists work in sessions to help couples develop a positive view of each other, actively exploring and strengthening their friendship skills and their bids to turn towards each other.
“In psychotherapy, we give couples the formula for a happy relationship”
Yes, in our sessions with couples, we work with the ‘Sound Relationship House’ formula, developed from findings gathered through the Gottmans’ many years of research.
The First Step in the Sound Relationship House: Building Love Maps
What is the Sound Relationship House?
The foundation and each floor of this house help make the floors built above them stronger and the roof of the relationship more secure. In couples therapy, we work on each floor, its meaning and importance, and the steps that will strengthen it.
The first floor of the Sound Relationship House: ‘Building strong love maps’
What is a strong love map? “I know my partner very well, I understand them”
Knowing your partner’s inner world means creating a map of that world. What my partner likes and dislikes, who their closest friend is, who their enemy is, their favourite food, their least favourite relative, their greatest fears, past traumas, dreams and current worries…
It means wanting to know everything about them and updating this map as they grow older, develop and change.
Look at the unhappy, troubled relationships around you; when do you think these people last learned something about each other? In unhappy relationships, partners do not know the answers to these questions. Even if they asked years ago, they do not know the answers today.
As couples therapists, we use cards and forms in sessions to explore the many things partners do not know about each other in a fun and enjoyable way.
I think this is one of the sessions the couples I work with enjoy most and feel happiest in
The second floor of the Sound Relationship House: ‘Sharing fondness and admiration’
Expressing fondness and admiration for each other, and putting appreciation, admiration, respect and care into words, is essential for relationships to grow stronger, improve and continue happily.
In unhappy relationships, partners feel unloved, unwanted and worthless. This is because there is no culture of love, admiration and appreciation. Instead, there is criticism, contempt, aggressive humour, loneliness, a sense of estrangement, defensiveness and stonewalling.
As couples therapists, we help couples create a culture rich in positive exchanges through the work we do during therapy. In this way, a culture of mutual appreciation is rebuilt, and couples develop more romantic, stronger relationships through touch and sharing fondness and admiration.
The third floor of the Sound Relationship House: ‘Turning towards each other’
Once the first two floors of the Sound Relationship House have been firmly built, the third floor is ‘turning towards each other’:
In strong relationships, partners pick up on small signals from each other, make bids to turn towards one another and take opportunities to connect. Their interactions in these small moments, their responses to bids for connection and the ways they connect give us important clues about the course of their relationship.
As couples therapists, we use various interventions during sessions to work on couples’ bids to turn towards each other and help strengthen their relationship.
These three floors of the Sound Relationship House described above are essential steps in building the other floors and the roof. Couples who have strong love maps, share fondness and admiration, and have developed the skills to turn towards each other can maintain a positive perspective in almost any situation.
The fourth floor of the Sound Relationship House: ‘Maintaining a positive perspective’
If the first three steps described above are strong, this makes the fourth step strong as well. In troubled relationships, even a neutral statement or body language from one partner may be perceived as an attack by the other. These partners are often unhappy, on guard and defensive against attacks. In relationships where the first three steps are strong, however, partners maintain a positive view of each other even during arguments.
As couples therapists, we use various interventions during sessions to explore couples’ perceptions of each other and help them develop the skills to maintain a positive perspective.
Sharing Fondness and Admiration for a Strong Relationship
The fifth floor of the Sound Relationship House: ‘Managing conflict’
Traditionally, happy relationships were thought to involve few or no arguments or conflicts. Yet research now shows that 69% of conflicts in both happy and unhappy relationships concern issues that cannot be resolved. This is because these 69% stem from differences in personality and philosophies of life. The remaining 31% involve issues that are more situational and solvable.
Couples need 5 basic skills to solve problems:
- Softened start-up: Focusing on describing your own situation and needs during an argument, while avoiding criticism, defensiveness, contempt (looking down on your partner) and stonewalling
- Repair attempts: Making attempts to repair the interaction and responding to your partner’s attempts
- Self-soothing: Taking a break when needed and practising relaxation exercises
- Accepting influence from your partner: The ability to try to understand and accept your partner’s perspective
- Compromise: Both partners need to feel understood for repair attempts to work and for them to move towards compromise. A person who does not feel sufficiently understood cannot move on to compromise. During couples therapy sessions, partners are supported through various interventions, such as practising flexibility and creating circles of compromise.
Another step in the Sound Relationship House is ‘making dreams come true’:
In strong relationships, couples support each other in making their dreams come true.
In couples sessions, various activity cards, question lists and interventions are used to help partners discover, understand and fulfil each other’s dreams.
Couples who have firmly built every floor of the house come together at the roof, the point of ‘creating shared meaning’:
This involves couples developing philosophies, life goals, symbols and roles, drawing both on what they bring from their families of origin and on what they acquire later in life. Interventions in couples sessions help couples build a shared culture of life together and strengthen their relationship.
Trust and commitment, two other important elements of the Sound Relationship House, are also addressed at many stages of couples therapy through various interventions and role-play exercises during sessions.
Relationships with difficulties in intimacy and friendship are prone to many sexual problems, particularly low sexual desire. These couples need to consult a relationship therapist rather than a sex therapist.
