Infidelity is the most devastating breach of the agreement within a relationship. After infidelity, trust, fidelity and commitment between two people are seriously damaged. This traumatically undermines the verbal agreement the partners made at the beginning of their relationship.
Although the betrayed partner suffers greater harm, this does not mean that the partner who caused this attachment injury is unaffected. A difficult process begins for both partners. Even if their marriage continues on paper, their first marriage has now ended emotionally and psychologically.
Whatever decision a couple in this situation ultimately makes, it is helpful to first take stock of what has happened with a couples therapist. The focus should be on each partner’s inner experience, bringing the traumatised partner’s feelings to the surface and helping their wounds heal. It is helpful to avoid making a hasty decision while emotions are running high. With the support of a couples therapist, the attachment injury should be worked through, unmet psychological and emotional needs identified, and partners helped to share these needs with each other through various interventions and role-play exercises.
This course of therapy may lead to a decision to stay together or to separate. If the process moves towards staying together, this will now be considered the couple’s second marriage. This is because the agreement within the first marriage was breached. If the partners decide to separate at this point, the therapist plays an important role in helping them do so in a healthy way and, if they have children, helping them come through the process with as little psychological and emotional harm as possible.
For couples who need help deciding which direction to take, it is very important to work with a skilled psychotherapist who has experience in effective interventions and in helping bring primary emotions and unmet psychological and emotional needs to the surface.
A skilled psychotherapist uses interventions to access the primary emotions underlying secondary emotions such as anger and hatred. They follow the process closely, asking open-ended questions that bring out the partners’ wishes, fears and concerns about being together again and encouraging them to express their feelings.
