The mystery of the question “Can love last?” and its answer remains alive, seemingly defying the years.
We all have expectations of relationships; passion, affection, permanence, intensity, excitement, mystery. From one extreme to the other…
Even though expectations vary, everyone wants to feel “trust”. Trust is the most important factor that keeps us in a relationship.
Why do disappointments, unmet needs and fading desires seem to become the “rule” on this journey we begin with love, excitement and affection, while divorce rates continue to rise?
There is no single right answer to this question. The aspect I want to address is something I often see in couples sessions;
As human beings, we need security, continuity, reassurance and the knowledge that things will last. This drive largely comes from our instincts to build a home and put down roots.
We also need to feel alive, to experience excitement and mystery. This comes from the drives that push us to take risks and seek adventure.
Moving back and forth between these desires makes us complex beings, full of dilemmas.
We seek someone with whom we feel safe, while continuing to enjoy exploring.
Some of us believe that only affection, respect and trust can sustain a relationship, while others believe that the relationship will end when passion and desire fade.
Because both groups gravitate towards extremes, they largely end up deeply disappointed.
What I am getting at is this; all living beings seek growth and exploration in a safe environment. As a relationship grows older, people become less convinced that this can happen with the same partner.
This is because we fall into the trap of thinking we must choose between a relationship that feels monotonous but safe and one that is passionate but offers no sense of security. Whichever extreme we choose, the other option keeps nagging at us and making us unhappy.
Very few fortunate couples learn to experience both trust and desire together and sustain them.
Doing this is difficult, but not impossible. It is possible to feel both trust and passion with the same person.
The way to do this is to recognise that you are not “merged” with your partner. You need to distinguish the moments when you feel more tenderness or security with that person from the moments when you experience intense desire and erotic feelings.
